Here In My Heart
by Detective Jules
Summary: Harm and Meg parted on bad terms, now fate is making their paths cross again...
1. Shattered Dreams

Disclaimers:

JAG belongs to DPB and CBS, even though it should still belong to NBC... we all know why.

The characters are used for entertainment only and to correct some things. I'm not making any money with this.

**Here In My Heart**

**by cat**

_1700 hours local time_

_JAG headquarters_

_Washington DC_

"I'm glad this finally is over." Admiral AJ Chegwidden concluded the debriefing with two of his senior staff members. "Oh and don't forget the party at the Irish Embassy tomorrow night. Before you ask, yes, it's mandatory." He gave them both a look. "Dismissed."

With that they turned around and while the female Marine Colonel walked out of the door, the Admiral spoke up again. "Commander Rabb, one more thing..."

Hearing that, he turned around again to look at his commanding officer. "Sir?"

The Admiral had gotten up from his chair and walked over to the couch, motioning the tall and handsome lawyer to sit down as well.

Of course he obliged and waited for the Admiral to tell him what else he had to say. But for a while both men were silent and just looked at each other. Harmon Rabb because it wasn't his turn to speak and he didn't know what was going on, and Admiral Chegwidden because he didn't quite know where to start. He knew this would stir up feelings for Harm, but he at least wanted to prepare him.

"About tomorrow..." He finally spoke up.

"That party?" Harm asked, almost sure he'd get in trouble now. He was known to frequently disappear from events like that. "Look, I'll be there..."

The Admiral cut him off before he could continue. "It's not about that Commander. Well it's about the party, but not what you think... Lieutenant Commander Austin is going to be there." He straightforwardly told him the news and hoped he'd be able to cope with it.

For a moment Harm looked at the balding man in shock, trying to comprehend what he just heard. But maybe he was making the wrong assumptions. He had to be sure. "Meg Austin?"

With a nod the Admiral confirmed it. "Your former partner."

Harm let out a short laugh. "Great... so she made Lt. Cmdr." At the memory of the blonde spunky woman he had to smile. "That's good for her." Even though he tried to sound happy, the bitterness in his voice was evident. Not because of her promotion though. Years ago she had hurt him like he never thought he could hurt, and he never found out why. The prospect of seeing her again now brought all that pain back to the surface.

Sighing the Admiral looked at the young man who was like a son to him. He knew this was harder on him than he'd like to admit.

"Sir, under these circumstances I think it will be understandable if I want to be excused for tomorrow." Harm spoke up again.

After looking at him for a moment AJ shook his head. "Even though I can understand you, I cannot excuse you... besides it's been years Harm. You've been avoiding it for too long now. It was bound to happen sooner or later."

"It?!?" Harm shot him a glare, not sure what had aggravated him the most.

The Admiral clearly wasn't in the mood to get into a discussion about the use of his words right now. "You're going to see her again tomorrow whether you like it or not. So you better start thinking about what to tell her."

"Why is she going to be there in the first place? Last thing I heard she was stationed in Naples?" Even though he'd never admit it, Harm had kept track of her career.

"Officially, yes." The Admiral nodded. "But in fact she was undercover in the IRA and nowhere close to Naples. She helped to make a big bust recently, which is why she's going to be tomorrow's guest of honor. "

"IRA huh?" Harm asked surprised. "Sounds like a big thing..."

"Oh it was." The Admiral nodded. "Some joint mission with the CIA... in fact they chose her because of her Irish roots."

Harm had to laugh a bit at that and nodded. "Her great-grandfather came to the US from Ireland... he married a Cherokee woman, they had a daughter and a son, the son married a woman whose parents came to the US from Poland. They had one son - her dad; he married a woman whose mother was Mexican and her father Irish as well." Grinning he finished that little story. "They then had Meg and her brothers... I guess that explains her temper and her stubbornness."

AJ laughed. "That and many other things." He had to smile at how much Harm knew about Meg. "So I expect you to be polite tomorrow when you talk to her."

At that Harm rolled his eyes and snorted. "Polite... was it polite what she did?"

"None of that matters tomorrow Harm." To warn him, AJ gave him a stern look. "Think about what you're going to tell her tomorrow, I mean it!"

"Oh I know what I'm gonna tell her." Harm muttered. "I'll tell her that I don't care about what happened. That every day since she left is just another day without her, that I'm absolutely fine, okay and alright without her and that I found someone new. Somebody just like her. That if she thinks I'm breaking apart without her, she's wrong and she can go to hell. I don't need her and I don't want her! I have so much to do without her and I've had enough time to get over her. So she better not think that seeing her again is going to tear my heart apart all over again. I'm doing fine and I hope she's doing too. I'll tell her that I hardly ever think about her and that even though I said I'd call her, I didn't have to cause I didn't need her. Especially not just to hear her voice. I'll tell her that I burned all of her pictures and tossed her stuff in the trash. And I'll tell her that she better go back to where she came from cause I certainly don't want her back here. I'm doing fine... and I hope she's doing fine as well." With every word his voice gained bitterness and in the end he was glaring at the Admiral. "I hope that was polite enough."

He just shrugged. "You can lie to her all you want, just don't think she'll believe your lies." Harm's true feelings were evident in his eyes. The love he still carried for her was shining through the veil of pain she had caused.

Even more outraged Harm jumped up. "I guess I'll see you tomorrow sir." With that he started to storm out of the office, not giving a damn about military protocols for the moment.

"Harm!" The Admiral caused him to stop and turn around again. When he had his attention again, he continued. "I can understand your anger, really." He tried to calm him down. "But your hurt pride might just be blinding you at the moment. Of course that's understandable, but let me tell you this: Why don't you see this opportunity as a second chance instead of mourning over your shattered dreams."

"Don't YOU dare talk to me about shattered dreams!" Harm started to break out and yelled at the Admiral. "You don't know a damn about what it means to live for someone else you can't just love like it's meant to be! And all that just because of a damn invisible barrier between the two of you that both of you could never overcome due to honor and loyalty to your job and to the life you've chosen when you thought you knew what you were getting yourself into. But then out of sudden that one special person jumps in your life and you can't even believe that someone like that even exists, and then, before you realize just how much she means to you, how much you love her, you're reminded that you better stop thinking about it because in the world you live in, a love like that is strictly forbidden by rules and regulations. And then when you finally decide to shoot all of that to hell, and it starts to look like you're finally going to find the happiness that evaded you for so long, everything is over before it could really begin!" All the pent up and suddenly released emotions caused tears to threaten in his eyes, but by now he had learned to control them. "No... don't YOU talk to me of shattered dreams!" Harm finished and shaking his head left the Admiral's office and drove home, allowing his tears to flow eventually while the Admiral stayed behind bewildered.


	2. Painful Memories

_2037 hours local time_

_Commander Harmon Rabb's Apartment_

_224C 8th Street, Washington DC_

The following day went by pretty fast and Harm tried to keep himself busy with paperwork, evading the other officers. But even though he dreaded it, the time to go to the party had come. Almost automatically he had put on his mess dress like it was called for during events like this.

Even though he was standing in front of his mirror he didn't see his mirror reflection. What he saw, deepened in thoughts, was a young man full of hopes and dreams even though his eyes showed he had seen his share of pain and hate already.

Like himself, the man in the mirror was fixing to leave for a party at Embassy Row. Like himself, he was thinking about Meg Austin, wondering what she was going to wear and having no doubt that whatever her wardrobe, she'd look absolutely stunning as she always did. Like himself, he was trying to convince his mind that whatever feelings filled him at the sole mention of Meg Austin, he wasn't in love but merely going through a phase that caused his affection and attraction for the blonde woman. She was a looker after all and he was just a guy. Both of them came up with different reasons for that, the one not having known her for too long yet, the other one not having seen her in too long. Both of them took a deep breath and couldn't help but smile because they would see her soon. Both of them were Harmon Rabb Jr.

The younger version of Harm seemed to wink at his present day alter ego as he slowly faded into Harm's true mirror image which now showed a frowning man who was trying to shake a weird feeling of déjà vu that had just crept through him.

Quickly turning away from the mirror Harm grabbed his car keys and as he stepped into the hallway his eyes fell on the door of the apartment where the man in the mirror used to live. After Meg was gone he had moved away from here but recently he had needed a new place again and either by fate or by coincidence had ended up moving back into the house where he once lived. Not the same apartment though, but right now it seemed creepy either way.

On his way to the party Harm was flooded with even more memories, good and bad alike. Wherever he looked, it seemed like he was seeing her face, her smile, her sparkling blue eyes. An ambulance rushed by and suddenly he saw her lifeless body in a hospital bed, hooked up to machines that kept her alive. It must have been back then when he realized his feelings had to be more than a phase of affection. He had neither slept nor eaten because he had feared for her life. After she had woken up from her coma, he had been so close to telling her how he felt, but it was her who had pretended nothing even had happened. So he had kept his feelings to himself and after a while had talked himself into believing that all he had felt was worry. He had been responsible for her and he should have done something to prevent her from getting shot. But when she had lain there in that bed with all those tubes, of course he had blamed himself for her injury and his heart had confused guilt with love.

Responsibility, honor, duty... just a few words in a long list of excuses that his mind gave his heart for what he felt and shouldn't feel.

And what was he trying to tell himself now? That he didn't want to see her again? Yet again he found himself lost in a battle between his head and his heart. His mind told him that it was her fault that all those memories suddenly were all around him again and that in fact he was better off without her and tomorrow would be just another day without her again, things would be back to normal and she'd be out of his life once and for all.

But his heart was beating faster the closer he got to his destination, trying to tell him that those memories were a part of him - she was a part of him and she would always be even if he'd never see her again, he'd still carry her around with him. He still missed her too much for someone who supposedly didn't care. Regardless of what had happened, he needed her and wanted her to wholly be a part of his life again, not just living with her memories that haunted him wherever he went.

But then again, just because he was curious how she looked these days and wanted to see her again, it didn't prove she meant anything to him. He was just curious and not still in love with her.

When he shot a quick glance into the rear view mirror, he saw that young man's face again and he was laughing at him, at his naivety, the same naivety he already had to overcome once. Back then he had sworn himself to never make that same mistake again. Yet here he was fighting the same battle. As he passed the French Embassy on Reservoir Road, the memory faded again and the younger man reached his destination. He'd always dance with Meg at the French Ambassador's party. That was the memory he belonged to.

Soon after that Harm arrived at his destination for tonight and as he got out of his car he tried to clear his mind from the fog of memories around him.


	3. Silence Is Golden

hey you guys! Thanks for the reviews! Wow, not even posted 24 hours yet and already 6 comments! You rock :)

Anyway, yep, there definitely was more to em than on the show... living together... hmmm, that hadn't crossed my mind, but it's a good idea. Not sure if I'll go for it though, depends on where the story takes me :D

As for what happened between em... ya know, stuff... :P Gotta keep reading to find out.

So here's the next part:

* * *

_2100 hours local time_

_Irish Ambassador's Party_

_Embassy Row, Washington DC_

Entering the party, Harm shook a few hands of people he knew, politely exchanged a bit of small talk with them, until he reached the bar. He ordered and turned around while he had to wait for his drink.

Before he even got the chance to scan the crowd, his eyes found her on the other side of the room. She was wearing a short black dress, simple but elegant. Over her shoulder she carried a matching black purse, made out of the same material as her high heels. Harm didn't know much about clothes and stuff, but it was obvious that her wardrobe must have been quite expensive. Her hair was curly and most of it was put up, except for a few strands that framed her face. But all of this was just registered somewhere in the back of his mind, the only thing he really saw right now where her sparkling blue eyes: she was staring right at him.

When the two former partners spotted each other at the exact same moment, it was as if everything else around them faded away. Even though the room was full of people, they only had eyes for each other and like two poles they were drawn to each other through the seemingly empty room.

Meeting her in the middle of the dance-floor Harm just smiled. Of course Meg smiled back at him and gladly accepted his outstretched hand. Without exchanging a single word, they melted into each others arms and started to slowdance.

The song started to fade out and Harm took her by the hand and led her out on the patio. They walked to a far corner where they were alone and sat down on a bench. Neither of them dared to speak up because they both knew that their first conversation after all these years would be anything but friendly and right now they just weren't read yet to break the magic of the moment. So they sat in silence and tightly held each others hand like they never wanted to let go again.

But after a while, Harm let go of her hand and wrapped his arm around her shoulders while gently kissing her temple. Meg smiled at that and leaned her head upon his shoulder as she reached for his other hand and squeezed it. A couple of hours went by like this. Inside the party continued and outside Meg and Harm were just holding each other.


	4. Forecasts

_I know the last one was short, but it felt like a good place to end the chapter. This one's a bit longer again. Enjoy!_

* * *

_2337 hours local time _

_Irish Ambassador's Party _

_Patio _

"There you are, Ma'am!" A young Ensign had spotted Meg and Harm and rushed up to them. "Everybody's looking for you inside." Suddenly he realized the man beside her was not only in the Navy, but also higher in rank and he blushed. "Sir..." Quickly he saluted.

With a smile, Harm saluted back. "Ensign."

Meg took a deep breath, sighed and gave Harm a lingering kiss on the cheek before she let go of his hand and got up. "I better get my six back inside."

"Probably a good idea, seeing how you're the guest of honor and all..." Harm muttered.

That caused Meg to roll her eyes. "That's bullshit."

With a shrug Harm crossed his arms. "Whatever you say."

"Go to hell Harm!" Now Meg was getting pissed at him.

But Harm wasn't friendly anymore either. "I just decided that after today I will not ever be anywhere close to you... so hell won't be an option for me, since you're most definitely going there already."

In response to that, Meg just glared at him as she flipped him off and then stormed inside with the baffled Ensign following her.

And Harm couldn't help but smile. That had been so typically Meg: here she was, dressed in a classy evening gown, wearing elegant shoes with matching purse, looking like a lady from her head to her toes but the Texas tomboy inside her came through for a moment and flipped him the finger. That image had just been so damn adorable, he was tempted to jump up, grab her and kiss her like there was no tomorrow.

Since he knew that'd be a bad idea though, he just watched her disappear into the crowd inside.

After just following the tall blonde officer for a couple of moments, the young Ensign finally got up the nerve to speak up. "What was that about Ma'am?"

"What was what about?" She asked innocently.

"You and the Commander... I mean... you went from fire to ice in like 3 seconds there... that was... odd..." Embarrassed he was stammering, but he was too curious to just let it go.

"Oh that." Meg sighed. "Just the forecasts of a big thunderstorm..."

That answer left him even more confused but he didn't get to ask anything else because Meg's CO had seen her and rushed up to her, obviously in a bit of a hurry. "Where the hell have you been?"

"Just catching some fresh air outside sir." Apologizingly she looked at him, wondering why he'd been looking for her in the first place, but figuring she was better off giving him her puppy look than attitude right now. "I think I'm gonna call it a night though."

"Oh no, you're not." Sternly Admiral Firestone looked at her. "You remember that you're under strict orders not to sneak off tonight, don't you, Lieutenant Commander Austin?"

A little growl escaped Meg's lips. "Yes sir, and I didn't."

"And you're not going to until I tell you that it's okay for you to leave." That was followed by another stern look from her superior officer.

"But sir!" Quickly she checked her watch, "I've been here for almost four hours now!"

"And nowhere to find for about three of them." Another of his looks made it clear that he wasn't exactly thrilled about that. While Meg just growled some more, he continued: "Right now you're going to follow Lt. Ayman here and go put on your mess uniform. She has it upstairs somewhere."

"Wait, what?" Now Meg looked at the Admiral and the young woman who was under her command, like they had lost it now. "Why the hell..."

But the Admiral cut her off. "Just do it Cmdr!"

Yet again Meg growled. "Fine..." She muttered and followed the Lieutenant like she was ordered to.

When they got to the room where for whatever reason her uniform was, she turned to the woman. "Alright Shelly, you better tell me what the hell is going on here."

"You'll find out soon enough." Proudly the young woman smiled at her.

"You tell me right now what this is all about!" Angrily Meg glared at her. "That's an order!"

Shelly however had already expected this from her, and she hadn't been the only one. "Sorry Ma'am, but the Admiral already ordered me not to tell you anything... and his orders trump yours... I'll just wait outside for you to get ready." And with that she left the room.


	5. In Honor Of

_alright, last one for a while. Again, thanks for the feedback! Keep that coming, it makes me happy xD_

_I feel like I've written my fingers off today. I actually started this one a few years ago and stumbled over it again yesterday and picked it up in the middle of Chapter 3. _

_As for what the hell is going on... well read on and there'll be an explanation as to what the Admiral and Shelly were plotting... as for Harm... yeah not gonna spoil that xP_

* * *

_0000 hours local time_

_Irish Ambassador's Party_

_Embassy Row, Washington DC_

When Meg had put on her uniform she noticed that instead of her two and a half stripes, it had three. "Great," she muttered to herself, "not only do I have no idea what the hell is going on here, now they got me the wrong uniform too..."

She looked at herself in the mirror and couldn't help but grin because she liked the idea of having three stripes on her uniform. "You wish..." She sighed and walked out of the room, glaring at Lt. Ayman.

"Lieutenant, when you check this uniform, tell me what strikes you as wrong about it." Meg crossed her arms.

Frowning Shelly looked her over. "Nothing Ma'am."

"It's the wrong rank Shelly!" Getting more and more frustrated with everything that had happened Meg wished she had found some excuse for not coming here tonight.

"Is it Ma'am?" A broad smirk was playing on the Lieutenant's lips.

"What?" This time it was Meg's turn to frown, but she didn't have any time to ponder over it because Shelly started ushering her back to the party.

Being the Admiral's and Meg's assistant, Shelly was one of the few people who knew what was going on here. "Come on Ma'am, we better not keep Admiral Firestone waiting any longer." Knowing Meg would protest more, she practically dragged her downstairs again.

"I can't go out there wearing the wrong uniform! I don't see why I have to wear it anyway... not that I mind, but if for whatever reason the Admiral wanted me to show up here in mess attire, he should've just said it and I would've come here dressed into my uniform." Like expected, Meg continued to protest.

By now they were in front of the ballroom doors again and when Meg turned around to again ask Shelly what was going on here, the Lieutenant was gone and the doors in front of her were opened and she quickly noticed that the dancing had stopped and the Irish ambassador had taken the stage.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, Commander Megan Austin." The elderly man announced into the microphone as he motioned toward Meg with his outstretched arm.

Even more confused now, Meg mumbled to herself: "What the f..." Frowning she saw that everybody was looking at her and applauding while the ambassador signaled her to join him on the stage.

She then noticed that Admiral Firestone, together with her former CO, Admiral Chegwidden, and Ollie, her fatherly friend were up there with him.

Taking a deep breath she started walking up to them even though she much rather would've just run off. Quickly scanning the crowd she noticed that Harm was still there, sporting a proud grin and applauding like the others. Their gazes once again met and while she glared at him, assuming he knew more than he had told her, not that he had told her anything actually, he smirked at her, fully aware of how pissed she was because even though she tried to overplay it, she had no idea of what was going on and she hated being put on the spot like this. Ever so slightly and most likely unnoticed by anyone but Meg Harm then shrugged his shoulders to tell her he didn't know what exactly was happening either.

'Yeah right, you don't.' Thinking to herself Meg narrowed her eyes at him the tiniest bit more and he started to laugh because he understood. And even though she didn't want to, Meg couldn't help but grin back at him now and then joined the others on stage.

Not having noticed her silent conversation with the handsome naval aviator turned lawyer, the Irish ambassador held out his hand.

Naturally Meg took his hand and he started to speak up again as he shook it. "Commander Austin, in the name of my country I would like to thank you for your services."

The three stripes on her uniform, no one but herself complaining about that, and him calling her Commander started to make sense to Meg now and her anger slowly subsided as she continued to listen to the ambassador.

"Now due to the nature of the operation, obviously I can't go into details here, but let me just say this: What you did for your and my country went way beyond your naval duties and to honor the intricate part you played, allow me to dedicate this event to you and the many lives that were saved thanks to you and this mission." As he was done with his little speech he stepped away from the microphone and together with everybody else started to applaud her.

While Meg was thinking that a private 'thank you' totally would have done the job, Admiral Firestone stepped in front of the microphone. "Now Commander, by now I'm sure you have picked up on a couple of things and realized that tonight in addition to the success of your mission, you have another reason to celebrate. So I am delighted to officially announce your promotion to Commander."

"Thank you sir." She was now beaming with pride about her early promotion and another round of applause erupted from the crowd.

The Admiral however quickly motioned for silence again and of course everybody stopped. "I'm not done yet." While he said that Admiral Chegwidden handed him a dark blue velvet box. "Like mentioned by the Ambassador, what you did saved a helluva lot of lives, not only in Ireland but here as well. You know that better than anybody else." Chuckling a bit he paused for a moment. "I have to admit that when you came to work under my command I had my doubts about you at first and often was more than appalled by your... let's say 'creative' methods to get things done."

His pronunciation of the word 'creative' caused quite some chuckling, especially from the people who knew exactly what stunts he was referring to. Harm, too, was chuckling and grinning broadly. Even though he didn't know what things in particular the Admiral was referring too, knowing Meg, he could imagine how she might have caused him quite some headaches. After all, the both of them were notorious for doing things unconventionally back when they were partners at JAG. Then everybody had always blamed Harm for these peculiarities and he had gladly taken the fall each and every time because he didn't want to get Meg into any trouble. And while a couple of people now looked surprised to hear this, he, early into their partnership had realized that Meg was as prone to somewhat bizarre actions as he was himself.

When the chuckling stopped, the Admiral continued: "Regardless of my dismay about that, you soon proved to me that whatever it was that you did, got me the results I wanted. In most of the cases I even got more than I could wish for, so I learned that unless you were trying to push the envelope too far, it was in my best interest to just let you proceed, no matter if it made sense to me or not." Again there was some chuckling. "So it comes to no surprise for me that what you achieved couldn't have been done any other way. Now without further ado..." Opening the box he smiled at her. "It is an honor and a pleasure to me to present you with this Defense Distinguished Service Medal."

And while several people had known about Meg being promoted tonight, hardly anybody knew about the medal in advance, so while the Admiral pinned it on her, there was a lot of applause and cheering. "Congratulations, Commander Austin." Proudly the Admiral looked at her.

For a moment Meg was just speechless and shocked because she hadn't seen any of this coming. Even though she was aware that she had done a great job and saved a lot of lives, in her opinion she had just done her job and nothing spectacular enough to qualify her for this. Naturally she was thrilled about it though. "Holy shit!" She finally managed to get out. "I uuuh, I mean thank you sir!"

One more time the crowd started to laugh and Meg proudly grinned at all of them.

Talking to each other, Admiral Firestone and the Irish ambassador now stepped off the stage and Admiral Chegwidden approached Meg. "Congratulations Commander, you deserve it."

"Thank you sir." Smiling at her former boss, she shook his hand before he left the stage as well.

The last person to approach her was Ollie. With a very broad smile he hugged her. "You really do deserve it Meg. I'm sure your dad, wherever he is, is as proud of you as I am right now." The last part of what he had whispered to her brought tears into her eyes that Meg managed to quickly blink away. Right now she wasn't willing to allow herself to cry, neither out of joy, nor out of sadness because she still missed her father and wished he could've been there too. Later when she was alone in her bed, she would allow those tears to come.

While she was still hugging the man who had looked out for her and her family after her father's death, the music started to play again and Ollie let go of her again. "Ya know kiddo, if you ever get tired of the Navy, you sure have a place in the CIA." He joked and Meg laughed.

"Sorry Ollie, you know I have Navy in my blood... and that's how it's gonna stay." Together they left the stage as well now.

Meg right away was surrounded by numerous people who wanted to shake her hand as well now. Politely she thanked all of them for their congratulations while she noticed that Harm left the party. Sadly she looked after him and sighed, upset now because she had hoped to catch him alone again. Of course she knew that what they had to say each other wouldn't be pleasant after everything that had happened, but still, even after all these years, he still was anchored deep inside her heart.

* * *

_okay one more thing... I don't know much about medals and stuff, so I googled around a bit and decided that the one I gave Meg sounded like one she might get for what she did... and I thought it was pretty xD_

_I'm probably wrong about it though, but since it's just a fanfic, I'm hoping it'll do. If you know better, feel free to tell me what would've been more likely._

_Like I said above, this was the last part for a while. I most likely won't be able to come online again for a few days or a week or so and I don't know if I'll get to write during that time. But starting to write again was fun, so I hope I'll stay in that mood for a while and get to finish this one. Feel free to kick my ass to help with that ;D_

- Over & Out -


End file.
